Critical
by Asuhole
Summary: 'What stops you' Rin asks one day as they sit in the dorm, leaning back on his chair. The question appears unexpectedly, and Sousuke puts his pencil down, stopping amidst his studying. 'Stops me' he says, narrowing his eyes in questioning. 'What do you mean, Rin' he continues, as always mentioning Rin's name like some distant, breathed prayer.


Kindly settle the reading format as 1/2 for a better reading experience.

This is based off on this tumblr post: post/94787186408/a-story-about-sousukes-shoulder

I recommend you to read it after you have read the story in sake of not getting further spoilers in that matter.

* * *

Rin has heard it before. It is not the first time something like this has happened.

At first, he does not know how to react when he wakes up in the middle of the night, listening to the noise of slight panting coming from the bunk bed above him. He immediately gets the wrong idea – cheeks prickling as he intently tries to figure out the sounds to decide whether he is being fooled or may be illusionary.

However, when he cranes his neck a tad and wholeheartedly sorts out the noises, it does not sound like panting at all, but rather sniffling. Barely audible, but still there. It is soft and careful, somehow fragile. There is no sobbing or other noises than that, other than the creaking when Sousuke seems to move in the bed.

Seconds later, Sousuke climbs down and disappears out of the door. Rin barely manages to outline him in the darkness before he is gone. He considers following him to figure what is going on, but lies still when the door abruptly opens - Sousuke trotting in once more.

Sousuke does not move as he stands there, having closed the door as he rests his back against it, considering. He is not crying anymore – now soundless and foreign in the blur of the darkness.

''Rin,'' he says, but it sounds like he is talking to the air, or as if Rin is standing in front of him right now. Which he is not, because he is still lying in his bed, temples thrumming in his ears as he considers whether he is to answer or not. Does Sousuke know that he is awake?

''I'm sorry,'' he says, and Rin expects more to come. However, nothing follows those simple words, and he only but climbs back into his bunk, moving a little around before settling to rest.

A heavy feeling sinks to the bottom of Rin's gut.

* * *

The following morning, Sousuke looks like he usually does. Stoic expression, occasionally smiles and is followed by strict professionalism. He pushes Rin a little farther than the rest of the crowd – despite Rin being the captain, as if the roles are reversed. He does it with a certain sort of respect, seriousness and fondness that Rin cannot put any words on, but makes him allow the pushy words to seep through.

Earlier, they had fought, because after the recent relay, Sousuke had stood there against the trunk of a big tree, telling Rin it was not enough. That he swims in all seriousness, but nothing is enough. The sight Rin shows him, or had shown at the relay as their team members resembled Samekuza Academy – had not been enough. Something had darkened in his eyes – along with a certain glint of emotion - a dreadful longing. It looked as if he had given up. On what, Rin does not know.

Furthermore, Sousuke had seemed affronted or troubled when Rin had mentioned that he might be scouted from the same school as Sousuke. ''That's good,'' was all he said, as if he had not just confessed how much swimming with Rin means to him just a few weeks ago. That look from before had shown in his eyes again – unfathomable and distant.

Rin does not know what to believe. Something heavy pools in his stomach whenever Sousuke shows this recent passiveness in regards to swimming – especially in times where, for Sousuke, the enthusiasm is all he needs to rank as the winner.

In return, he looks at Rin sometimes with a hopeful gaze, smiling at him somewhat dazedly even. It rarely happens – but mostly occurs when Rin finishes some of his rounds in the pool with a grin on his face and a brand new time record.

Rin has tried getting angry with him. Confronting him – apparently having misunderstood Sousuke's motive – having thought that Sousuke does not want to swim when, in reality, all his eyes display is a hungering need to be active and present.

* * *

''What stops you?'' Rin asks one day as they sit in the dorms, leaning back on his chair. The question appears unexpectedly, and Sousuke puts his pencil down, stopping amidst his studying. ''Stops me?'' he says, narrowing his eyes in questioning. ''What do you mean, Rin?'' he continues, as always mentioning Rin's name like some distant, breathed prayer.

Rin is not sure what he is to say to this. All he notices is the way Sousuke tenses up, as if knowing what is about to be said already, as if he is bracing with the knowledge of what is to come.

''Nothing,'' Rin shakes his head, holding a hand up as if apologizing. ''Nevermind,'' he says, although he wants to know – wants to know why Sousuke looks so lost all the time, strangely insecure and troubled. It hurts him, because he does not like it – not one bit. It is not the same Sousuke as back then. The Sousuke who loved swimming, who fought for ranked spots and had the enthusiasm and stubbornness to continue. On the outside it may look like nothing is wrong..., but Rin knows who Sousuke is, albeit him having changed in many ways. This is not what Sousuke would do. Sousuke would not give up. He would not, Rin tells himself, but does not feel as secure about it as he was before.

* * *

Rin wakes up this night to the sound of faint sighing, still coming from the bunk above him. This time, he does not lie still. Something inside his head clicks, and he slowly slides out of the bed, sitting on the edge instead. He listens to how Sousuke stops moving entirely.

Without saying anything, he raises himself and, with a teensy bit of trouble, climbs up and into Sousuke's bed.

Although the darkness is engulfing, the moonlight shines through a crack between the curtains and lightens the room slightly with a mild glow. Sousuke rests with his back against the wall, legs bend to each side and his head hung. He does look surprised when Rin suddenly appears, as if he is caught in some ominous act. Rin knows he is not supposed to shout and get angry, but he does not know what is going on - feels helpless when he sees how Sousuke neither speaks nor moves when he huddles closer and sits next to him.

Rin is not good at emotions and have many complexes himself. He does not know where to start, but wants to help, wants to know – feels angry because he cannot do anything. Feels angry because he has only now noticed how upset Sousuke in reality is.

''What's going on?'' he mutters, instead of the well-known 'are you okay?', because he knows that Sousuke is not feeling okay right now.

They do not look at each other, but at the streak of barren light seeping inside the room ahead.

It takes a while before Sousuke answers, and Rin is not always known for having the patience of a saint. Nevertheless, right now, he feels like he has all the time in the world.

Sousuke exhales a shuddering breath, composing himself.

''I don't know,'' he says, simply.

Rin does not answer, does not push him further than this.

''I…,'' Sousuke runs a hand through his hair, sounding angry all of sudden.

''I'm angry with myself.''

''I don't know what to do…,''

''- everything has fallen down the drain.''

He looks up at the ceiling, tipping his chin. There is a waver in his voice when he says: ''I'm losing myself.''

''I'll loose you.''

''Haruka- he- you'll swim together. For—''

He swallows.

'' – a long time.''

''You'll swim—''

Another pause.

'' – without me.''

When Sousuke finally looks at Rin, his voice is faint – a contrast to his usually steady chords. Garbled, hesitating and hollow. ''I can't continue, Rin. I'm lost.''

Rin feels as if his breath is caught in his throat. Sousuke sounds fragile and vulnerable, looks confused and angry with himself – disappointed. He is giving up on himself, Rin realizes.

His hand works on its own accord, finding its way to Sousuke's limp hand next to him. He presses their palms together tightly, holding it close, holding him on the line. He does not know what Sousuke is talking about, does not know why Sousuke thinks he cannot continue, but the words are stuck in his throat. He lets his hand talk instead as he brushes his thumb along the front of Sousuke's hand, carefully and fond.

Sousuke leans down and rests his face in the juncture of Rin's shoulder, his breath coming out in frantic puffs now, shoulders shaking. ''You're light,'' he whispers. ''You have to swim for me, because I…'' something wet and warm drapes down the side of Rin's throat, gathering at his collarbone. Sousuke sniffles and then it comes – the moment where he tears the barrier down and sobs. ''…. I can't.''

They sleep together for that night; legs tangled together and warm in each other's embraces. It is sudden - but Rin does it because he feels that Sousuke needs it. Because it feels right and makes his heart feel lighter, despite his stomach is still strained with a heavy feeling of uneasiness from the words Sousuke have spoken. A rush of affection surges through him - a need to take care of Sousuke, to make him feel better. To make the tears go away, becasue this sort of pain Rin is very familiar with. To give in, to stop believing in oneself.

They grant each other clumsy kisses, and Rin smooches the tears away with small, careful pecks; embracing him like there is no tomorrow. He only falls asleep when Sousuke stops crying – when his breath is calm and heartbeat is steady.

* * *

The next morning, Sousuke is already gone when Rin wakes up.

He climbs down from the bed, and just as he is about to gather some clothes from his own closet, his eyes notice the unfolded stack of paper sheets on Sousuke's desk. It gnaws in his bones and he relents and leans in to read some of it – just what is apparent. Some of the writing is in red. It is a medical sheet - a sheet from a doctor. His eyes scan the paper when he catches a few words. Swimmer's shoulder. Rotator cuff tear.

The light dims down, and everything is soundless, except for his own beating heart. It turns and clenches in his chest, and he cannot breathe. His hands are shaking with anger as he grabs the paper and reads the words repeatedly, turning to the next page.

'Painful symptoms', 'impingement syndrome', 'overtraining', 'may permanently decrease range of motion' 'Surgery', 'therapy'.

Rin kicks the chair so it falls over, and he yells aloud, blinded. He sits down on his bed and hides his face in his hands, breathing out heavily.

Everything falls into place.

**''Sousuke…''**


End file.
